after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
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