i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
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