I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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