what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Randomize
