Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Randomize
