did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize
