Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Randomize
