I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize
