he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Randomize
