My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Randomize
