YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
is sleeping with your Political Science professor Politically incorrect?
Was he helping you 'cram' for your final, or just giving an oral exam?
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Randomize
