I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
Randomize
