Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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