Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
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