hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize
