Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
