Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
COCAINE IS GR8
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
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