Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
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