Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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