I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
Randomize
