The two bassists just totally made out. I NEED MENNA'S RIGHT now.
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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