i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
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