I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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