You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
