I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
