successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
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They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
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My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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