Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
We had sex on a dog bed..
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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