I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Randomize
