yeah i was sneaking up to her room and on the way i saw a picture of her and left
4 words: hood of his car
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
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