After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Randomize
