I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
Randomize
