oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Randomize
