i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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