Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Randomize
