Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
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