I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
