you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
