I feel great
I just peed on a car
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
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