In regards to your tweet: as its been said on all of those posters on ffffound: keep calm and carry on
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
Randomize
