i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
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