OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize
