Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Randomize
