if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
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