Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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