i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
i drank out of a bidet.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
