Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
Randomize
