you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
I just remember her telling me "Hi, my names Kaissa and I'm a lesbian" over and over and over and over again as I was crying.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
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