I'll bet she douches with gravy.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Randomize
