i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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