I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Naked. naked and bneed help.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize
