The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Is it sad that I'm on the stopduiaz.com website and there is a cute boy but it will never work between us because hes in jail for 17.5 years?
Um.. is it mean if I say yes?
How would my first penpal letter even go? "Hey saw you on stopduiaz.com, sucks you killed that motorcyclist. Whats your favorite thing to do on the weekend?"
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
Randomize
