Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
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