His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
