Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
my being single is dangerous.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
40s are totally the cure
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
